You have reached Ai Meilian's LiveJournal.  Perhaps you've done an interest search or followed a post of mine from another friend or community in which I participate.  If you're taking the time to flip back to this entry, there is something important I'd like you to know.

This journal is "Friends Mostly."  While I am by nature an anti-secretive person, for security reasons I've put posts dealing with work or the more private aspects of my life behind a friends-lock.  No offense is intended by this!  If you're interested in reading more, post a comment or send a message -- I will more than likely reciprocate.

Ha!  The world makes no sense -- so stop trying to figure out.

This realization brought upon by, in quick succession:

1) Some random stranger asking me if he could ask a question, which turned out to be, "Do you believe in Jesus?"

2) A different random stranger observing that my cigarette "must be good!"  And subsequently advising that "Cuban cigars are better."

I am beside myself with joy.  May I continue to Just Be!

I sent Gesina Liedmeier an email a day or two ago, wishing her a happy new year and checking in on whether or not my viol is scheduled for creation some time this year as originally planned.  While she has a current instrument to finish, and regrettably is suffering some health issues that will keep her from working the next 6 months, my viol is indeed next in line.  Hooray!

Now's the time to start sharing ideas and planning in more detail.  I'm very much looking forward to it -- I anticipate both the process and the end result to be very pleasing.

( Preliminary ideas (no visuals yet) )

Again, just preliminary ideas, and it will still be quite a while before Gesina can start work on the project.  But something I've looked forward to for a very long time is suddenly becoming much more present, and hopefully is something I can take delight in for some time to come.

OK, I'm positively giddy today.  While this is indeed good, I need to remember to be mindful even of these positive emotions -- even if they may be influenced by coffee and a tasty bran muffin.

Too much of a good thing is an awesome thing.  But too much of an awesome thing is... umm... really dumb... and bad.

-- Strong Bad

Life is full of both good and bad, and it's at minimum a useful skill to be able to step back and observe both equally.  It's both easier to observe the former and easier to forget, but it makes good practice for the harder stuff.

Ah, old habits.  Like being unmindful, or always tapping your spoon to your chin as you're eating.  They're hard to break as they keep trying to reassert themselves in the course of a day.  They're also very, very sneaky, like a cat who insists on going outside but isn't allowed -- before you know it, you catch them in mid-act, after the damage is already in progress.  And of course, the natural reaction is to scold -- the cat for being bad, yourself for "slipping again."

( I've noticed old habits trying to return in the last couple days... )

As my friends and many colleagues know, I've been dealing with severe generalized anxiety for several months.  This morning, something remarkable happened, which I wanted to briefly share.

( Turning on mindfulness, turning off anxiety )

On the way between work and store, a bit of culinary inspiration struck me.  "Why don't I pick up some wild rice, veggie broth, and a carrot, and make wild rice soup?"  Little did I know what delectable delights were to come!

( Marion's Marvelous Wild Rice Soup )

I kid you not: I got high on this stuff.  Giddy and dancing with delight because my tastebuds were so tickled and tummy so full! I'm sure the more carnivorous amongst my readers would gladly substitute about 1/3 pound ground beef for the Boca; I doubt the recipe would fare as well without the mushroom, however.

'Tis the season to waste power,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Many kilowatts per hour,
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Did you know your carbon footprint's
Many times that of the av'rage house?
Let us now sing of your folly,
And your strained relations with your spouse.

Brilliant yellow, red
scattered across the sidewalk—
autumn has arrived.

I haven't made many public posts lately, for which I apologise; yet I don't think many people are watching anyway.  But I thought I should make a quick note about some health issues & how I'm dealing with them.

( Dealing with “disability:” anxiety )

One of my friends right now is struggling with major depression.  I offered to pass along some tips that helped me survive its worst throes, and was really glad when they accepted the offer.  Just in case they're of use to anyone else, I thought I'd share them here, too.

NOTE:  These are what helped me.  Your Mileage May Vary.  If you're feeling depressed, please seek professional help.  Finding the right therapist unfortunately takes some time and energy, but it's worth it.

( Meilian's Tips for Surviving Depression )

This is what's helped me over the years.  Again, YMMV -- and anyone is welcome to share their own thoughts or tips here, too.

I made lentil salad tonight.  I've enjoyed this recipe a couple times before, but invariably I decide it needs A) more parsley (about 1/2 cup), B) more lemon juice (about 1/4 cup, or 1 lemon's worth), and C) a dash of red wine vinegar.  It's nice to have a light-tasting dish that provides healthy doses of protein and fibre.

Whenever I make epityrum, I have lots of fennel and mint left over.  While some of it inevitably goes to waste (I don't eat that much on my own), some time ago I happened across a Greek salad recipe from Lesbos which helps use up some of the leftovers from epityrum.  For solo eating, it's too complicated; but I developed a pared-down version that's pretty easy to make by the bowl.

( Marion's Lesbian Salad )

The result is a light, tasty salad that's just a little out-of-the-ordinary.  If you add egg, you'll get more protein and a somewhat richer meal.  Plus, it's simply fun to say "Oh yeah, I had a Lesbian salad for lunch!"

1 can (14 oz.) garbanzo beans, rinsed & drained
3 habanero peppers, seeded
2 fresno peppers
5-6 cloves garlic
1/2 cup tahini
juice of 1 1/2 lemons (~3/8 cup)
~ 1/4 cup water (or less, depending on how thick you like your hummus)
Cumin, coriander, sea salt to taste
OPTIONAL: a few dashes of paprika for colour

Blend ingredients in a food processor.  Serve with pitas.  CAUTION:  HOT!

Sometimes, the everyday activities of life can be deeply healing.

I took my cat to the vet; he got his splint off.  I napped.  I went shopping.  I got my hair cut.  I made epityrum for tomorrow.  I did some contract work.  I cleaned.  I talked to my girlfriend on the phone for a bit.  I gave Sam some good purrs.  Pretty boring, average, quotidian stuff.

And yet, I feel so radiantly happy!  I am just filled with joy at being alive.  I could dance or make music.  I am deeply peaceful and content.

I'm sure part of it is just "letting go" and taking care of my tasks without clinging to other thoughts.  That's something I did not do today: fret over work.  That has its time and place, and it is not now.  And in letting go of that I awaken to just how stressful things have been lately; it's something I'll have to reflect further upon, later.

I'm also sure part of it is having a wonderful, beautiful, caring girlfriend.  I've learned to love myself over the last few years, to be sure; but it's very different when someone else is sharing in that love.  It fits into what a former therapist said two years ago:  "You don't fully experience yourself with no friends to reflect yourself back to you."  I'm still not sure I buy the absoluteness of her statement; but I can definitely say it adds a different dimension.  It's always easy to gloss over one's better points; even being cognisant of them, acceptance that one is a good/interesting/creative/desireable person seems to remain at a surface level.  It penetrates more deeply when someone else tells or shows you.  Thank you, sweetheart :)

Enough philosophising; it's been a full day, and tomorrow is likely to be full as well.  I've earned my rest tonight!

Sam got his splint taken off today.  Yay!  And apparently he was quite well-behaved, so no anaesthaesia was involved.  He must have realised that off = good, even when dealing with the scary humans in the blue smocks.

And now it's nap-time for both of us!

The bawu (巴乌) has such a pretty sound.  Someday I should get one and learn how to play.

EDIT:  Not surprisingly, Lark in the Morning sells bawu, and for somewhat cheaper than expected; their prices usually seem quite inflated for imports.  (Not that I can fault them; they practically have a monopoly on non-Western instrument imports and seem to maintain a huge inventory of things that move very, very slowly.  Have to recoup the costs somehow.)

They also have a really cool-looking book called Play the World - The 101 Instrument Primer.  While I have misgivings about the quality of instruction such a tome can actually provide, it may prove too tempting to pass up...

While walking in to work this morning, on the sidewalk of a fairly major intersection I found an inkstone.  Plain, dark grey, probably Japanese, with a few chinks along the edges. 

I left it there on the theory that if someone was walking or bussing by and lost their inkstone in transit, they may try to retrace their steps.  But what an odd thing to lose!  I'd expect the act of losing it would be fairly noticeable, but one never knows.

Enjoyed Up with Dad.  I think I'd be up for seeing the 3D version as well.  But for now, nap times.

My iPhone won't synch.  I couldn't figure out why in the time I had this morning. I'll try again when I get home.

Plus, I noticed that overnight the batteries seemed to drain more than usual.  It's almost as if Apple programmed it to start having troubles right when they came out with a new product...

(Not that I believe that in the slightest, mind you.)